A wise man once said, “Until you make the unconsciousness conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.” Carl Jung said that and it has me wondering things about myself. About why I still become so worried about being judged and criticized. I mean, I will be very excited about doing something, and then all the doubt, fear, and anxiety take over me. I feel it all over my body, in my mind, and deep within my soul.
I wonder if the anxiety will ever just leave me alone so I can be free from all it’s worries and negative emotions. The moments my mind becomes dark is a scary time for me. I don’t even recognize myself because I do many things to keep my positive juices flowing. It works most of the time, but not all the time. It never goes away fully, fear that is. Fear sticks with me each day, and it loves to occupy the space of my mind.
There are so many moments when I feel as though I’m not good. It really does suck the energy and life right out of me at times. The reason why I do the things I do is so that I can support others who experience being stuck in their own head. Those who know their habitual wandering mind gets the best of them at times, and for those willing to embrace their imperfections and anxieties. I know it’s challenging to do, believe me. There are many times when I literally don’t want to do anything but eat, cry, and sleep.
When I discovered Mindfulness Meditation, I was looking to get rid of my anxiety. I wanted to be better, I wanted freedom from my thoughts, I wanted to feel positive all the time, and most importantly, I wanted to wean off my anxiety medication. I thought that it was a way out at first, but it was my mind playing tricks on me. Optimism is always high in the beginning of any business venture, for me anyways.
Reality kicks in, and you’re way over your head thinking that everyone is going to be there to support and share what all you got going on, but it’s like everyone is busy. They have their own things going on, their own anxieties and you literally have to find the strength within yourself. It’s a constant challenge, and I have been fortunate to work with some really great people through my business ventures. I have learned so much, and am still learning.
Optimism is a must because not everyone will even try going into business for themselves, but support is also a must. My mind has developed resilience in the sense it doesn’t take me weeks to bounce back anymore. My anxiety is still present, daily, but I don’t allow it to stop me from getting out there and trying new things. Whatever happens in my life, I make it a point to look for what’s going right rather than wrong, and I treat others with kindness as it’s what I seek too.
I like to share with others what I need most, and that is Mindfulness. With anxiety, our minds LOVE to stay busy, which is great when you’re not trying to hide from how you feel. I have discovered that is what I really love to do at times. There have been times when I’ll literally not go to certain places due to fear of seeing someone that I am uncomfortable having a conversation with. My heartbeat will race, my jaw will clench, my body will freeze, and in those moments, I am controlled by my emotions. I’m very aware that it’s happening but my challenge is that I don’t always accept it. That’s when the negative thinking starts, and can turn into a full blown cycle of ruminating untrue thoughts.
The moment I try to change how I’m feeling when I’m feeling it, is when this cycle develops.
Then, my practice kicks in, and I remember, I don’t have to change how I’m feeling. I remember that I can’t stop my thoughts because they’re already happening. Mindfulness is paying a attention to the present moment to your own internal and external experience without judgment, and with acceptance. My greatest challenge has always been focusing on what is happening in the present moment due to the fact I often times criticize and judge my every breath. A negativity bias takes over, which is the fact that our minds are preconditioned to focus on what’s going wrong and what we’re doing wrong.
I become so distracted, so fixated on what everyone else is doing, what will happen in the future, what I’ve done in the past, what my husband has done to upset me, what anyone else has done to upset me, that I’m physically and mentally unable to be present in the moment. It really drains my energy at times. I don’t know how else to explain it, but the way I feel about Mindfulness goes much deeper than anything I can even articulate in words yet, and I’ve been practicing daily for 20 months.
There have been so many moments before discovering meditation that I tried to avoid, tried to distract myself, tried to do anything and everything that I could to change my thoughts. To stop my negative thoughts and emotions. To blame others for my anxiety, and all it did was cause me more pain. Pain that has stuck with me for a long damn time. I still notice myself trying to distract myself from how I’m feeling to this day, until I realize it’s impossible to do. Things never go away completely until you address them, until you stop running from what’s really happening inside your mind.
What I’m trying to say is that you don’t need to change who you are to be good enough for others. I think that’s what I’ve always tried to do in the past, and it’s so hard. My greatest challenge has been how I can embrace my own emotions, because damn I’m an emotional person. I’m so damn loving, fun, and positive, but I also doubt myself too often, become discouraged when those I love don’t share my content, and get frustrated when things don’t turn out as expected. I can be a big baby, and very negative at times too! I didn’t say I was perfect by any means, and I’m not looking to spread a special cure to all your anxiety, problems, and fears. Those who say they will fix you don’t deserve you, because you don’t need to be fixed. You just need to make the unconscious conscious, and you need to discover more love for yourself, and you need to spread that deep inner drive onto others. Love, support, and accountability is what we all need more of.
I have come along way, and know my triggers like the back of my hand. Your triggers are very important to know if you have anxiety too. Mindfulness Meditation is not the answer to getting rid of all your problems and anxieties. Actually, you’ll become much more conscious of your insecurities and fears when you practice. What it will support you in doing is being more authentic in taking action in your life. It will support you in creating and finding meaning in everything that you do, even when you’re doing nothing at all. It will support you in observing your repetitive and ruminating thoughts in a more accepting way, and it will develop your resilience, commitment, and optimism muscle.
How I felt 4 minutes ago to how I feel now, is different. Same goes for you too. Never let someone tell you your limits, and always know that there are solutions for managing your anxiety and for flourishing in your own way. Your anxiety doesn’t need to go away, and fear will always be present in our lives. Our relationship to is is what needs to shift, and it can do so very gradually at your own pace. Either way, I hope you could relate to something in this message, and hoping you have a present evening.
If your in Minot and would like to come check out a Mindfulness Meditation session, come check out Happier Hour. We’re meeting Thursday, September 7th from 5-6pm at Superior Nutrition in Minot. Bring a yoga mat and present energy with you.
If your looking for coaching, you can book your free discovery call by reaching out to me on my website or my Facebook page.
If you reach out to me personally, you’ll receive a link to receive two free guided meditations and a mindfulness coaching worksheet that you can complete on your own time.
Sending you love and light,
Sarah Fast – Entrepreneur